i think my tv is drunk
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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