I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
ttyl tear gas
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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