you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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