i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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