I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
