i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize