Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
