clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
