fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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