i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
