so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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