my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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