You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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