I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
