yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
