drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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