if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i believe in u and ur pee
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize