I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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