This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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