Your face is a jimmy john
i permit you to call me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
