So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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