nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
