Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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