dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize