Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
