U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
