so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
