We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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