I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
