I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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