I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
