omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
