He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
