we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
