just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
