And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
