im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The beer is more important than you right now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
