it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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