Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize