There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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