Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
