This dress was meant to end up on your floor
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
