Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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