Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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