He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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