She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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