So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
