if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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