just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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