I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
