I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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