There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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