I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
