Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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