I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize