you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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