Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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