would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
