Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
