I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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